Before I launch into a detailed description of what quickly became known as the ``carpet week-end``, let me just say - who puts white carpet in a dining room? Who?! What kind of madness is that? Don`t get me wrong - the carpet was not disgusting, but it had a small stain and looked a little greyish in areas.
And so, on a whim of self-reliance (and vanity), I rented my first rug doctor. After battling the 20 pound beast into my car and up the stairs, I was exhausted but motivated. Instructions are fairly straightforward. Add soap to hot water. Add hot soapy water to tank. Commence!
I realized I was in trouble when foam starting ejecting itself from the back of the doctor onto my shins. This can`t be right I thought. After several stops and starts, I realized that the compartment clearly labeled ``no foam in here`` was in fact FULL of foam. I must admit that things proceeded much more smoothly after I got that bit sorted out. So, off to bed I go - looking forward to waking up with a shiny clean white carpet.
Sadly, I did not wake up to the shiny white carpet of my dreams. Instead, I woke up to a musty smelling house with ENORMOUS brown sticky patches everywhere. Although I was concerned, I was in a hurry to get to work and thought that perhaps it just needed a little air. And so, I set up a fan and off I went - convinced things would look much better upon my return that afternoon. Not so.
Upon opening my front door, I knew things were not good. That smell. That awful, putrid, wet dog smell filled my house. And those brown sticky spots - still there. In a fit of panic, I phoned my most neat freak friend who owns a steam cleaner (who even knew these existed) and she graciously lent me the wonder machine. No biggy, I thought. The girls do not arrive for another day. Plenty of time to repair the damage.
Although easier to use, this home steam cleaning device did nothing to improve the situation and actually made the lone stain a little brighter! I was mortified. With no time to fix the situation, my friends were destined to witness the humiliation that was my carpet.
Fortunately, my lovely friends were very encouraging and said things like ``it`s not that bad`` and ``maybe you can get a rug``. And so, rugs were purchased and laid down, but I was bothered by what I knew lay beneath . . .
Saturday morning. 8:30 a.m. I place a call to a professional carpet cleaner. He says he can be in and out before we need to leave for the spa. Joy! Am strong independent woman who has solved my problem like any sensible person in my predicament would do - with money.
Although the arrival of the carpet cleaning van filled me with joy and relief, the emergence of the carpet cleaner man filled me with shock and concern. He was approximately 55 years old with the most thread bare white shirt I have ever seen. Thanks to the thread bare shirt, one was able to gain a glimpse at what lay beneath - a mat of black curly hair that appeared to match the mop on his head, which was kept in place by what I believe to be Richard Simmons` original sweat band. When I realized the man was also wearing short shorts and knee high sport socks, I actually threw up a little in my mouth.
Although his appearance was bad, his personality was even worse. In the first 10 minutes of meeting him, I learned he owned a complex in the north end of town, which he was hoping to sell for over $1 million. He had planned to retire last year, but due to market conditions this would have to wait. He is planning a $50,0000 year long vacation to Australia, New Zealand, Thailand and Dubai and ALL of his ex girlfriend want to come with him (wink, wink. Ewwwww). He sexually harassed my girlfriend - apparently spurned on by her freshly showered wet hair (again - ewwww) and then proceeded to embark on a massive question period concerning the state of nursing in this province. It was bad. Very bad.
I paid $168 to that vile carpet cleaning man, and left for the spa convinced that my carpet had been repaired and the girls' week-end could proceed without further interruption.
You must see where this is going. Shocking as it is - he made it worse! He actually made it worse. I paid $168 to an extremely hairy and socially retarded individual, only to have my carpet look worse! What is that fucking carpet made of??? I was astounded, defeated and humiliated. By this point, I had spent well over $200 towards absolutely destroying my carpet (and the odor of my home).
Fortunately, my story has a happy ending. You remember my neat freak friend with the steam cleaner? Ahhhh, yes. She assessed the damage done by carpet cleaning man and professed her machine could do the job! I was doubtful, but curious. And so it came to be that Shawna Bo Bawna's Costco purchased carpet cleaner saved the day. It would seem that both the doctor and the carpet cleaner man had applied WAY too much soap, and all that was needed was a hot water rinse to suck up all that nasty soap residue. Who knew!
Strange, but true - the carpet cleaning incident caused many a laugh and has resulted in four women now possessing the very strong conviction that their homes require hardwood flooring. Immediately.
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