The Snowbird

Being the child of Canadian parents, I have grown up (as many of us do) under the tutelage of “Snowbirds”.  Ah, the Snowbird - the affectionate name given to Canadians fleeing our harsh and lengthy winters for the sunny warmth of the southern United States and Mexico.  The Snowbird is easily identifiable by its stark white skin and matching running shoes.  While the female Snowbird will go to great lengths to try and blend into her surroundings, the male Snowbird displays no such desire and is often found sporting white tube socks, open toed sandals and a half unbuttoned Hawaii Five O shirt.

If they have somehow evaded visual detection, the Snowbirds' spending habits are a dead give away.  Location #1 – the Mexican pharmacy (also known as the “Pharmacia”).  The Pharmacia is by far the top shopping destination of the Snowbird.  There they can be found purchasing large quantities of Retin-A, Amoxicillan, Nivea and the infamous “turtle cream”.  Despite being strongly advised by Canadian health care providers not to do so, Snowbirds continue to self-diagnose illnesses and take random amounts of Mexican Amoxicillan to treat their various ailments.  I have personally witnessed my mother “prescribe” Amoxicillan to my father for everything from a sore throat to a foot rash.  While Retin-A and Nivea are self-explanatory, turtle cream is not.  When I was child, turtle cream was actually made with turtles!  But as my mother explained, some people got in a big uproar a couple of years back and now there’s no turtle in the cream (although they still call it turtle cream).  She hasn’t bought it since they took the turtle out.  Claims she can tell the difference.

Shopping location #2 – Target; or as it is often called “Tarjay” – the idea being to imply that Target is actually a very fancy and high end store.  In reality, Target is essentially one step up from Walmart.  Targets are generally cleaner and offer slightly higher end goods than a Walmart at prices that are so reasonable, the product is practically free! If they would allow her, my mom would spend the night in Target – that’s how much she likes it.

Shopping location #3 – Flea markets.  For whatever reason, flea markets (both indoors and outdoors) are HUGE in southern California and Arizona.  I don’t know if they were there all along, or cropped up as a result of the Snowbirds.  Either way, the flea market is full of two things; cheap and useless crap (that’s cheaper if you by 3 or more) and Snowbirds.  As a child, I positively adored the flea markets.  Where else can you buy 12 packs of lipglosses, scrunchies and nail clippers labeled “I love California”?  Other interesting items include bedazzled jeans, ashtrays and the laciest baby clothes you have ever seen.  T-shirts and running shoes, however, are the Snowbirds’ main purchases at the flea markets.  They can often be found combing through piles of t-shirts and yelling “Do you have an extra large of the One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila floor – in white”?  That’s the other thing – graphic t-shirts.  And by graphic, I mean sexually explicit t-shirts that usually contain some reference to the size of a man’s . . . well . . . you know.  And for some reason, this message is often delivered by a cartoon frog or iguana.   Anyways, these t-shirts are everywhere and Snowbirds love to buy them for their neighbors back home.  It’s embarrassing.
   
If the Snowbird’s appearance and shopping habits have still eluded you, you can always catch the Snowbird at the border.  Given the opportunity, I am confident I could identity a Snowbird strictly by searching the contents of their RV at the border.  The RV of a Snowbird will almost always contain the following items:

1.    Above noted Pharmacia items x 5 (they usually buy for the neighbors too);
2.    Lays potato chips (okay, at least in the 90s before they started being sold in Canada);
3.    Inordinate amount of cigarettes hidden behind Lays potato chips in all cupboards of the RV;
4.    Inordinate amount of liquor hidden in a variety of strange places including under the bed and in gas containers on the roof of the RV (yes, this actually happened);
5.    Rand McNally Road Atlas – the big one;
6.    20 pounds of grapefruit in the bathtub (yup, this happened too);
7.    Plethora of Mexican blankets in a variety of colors.  Side note: In my personal opinion, Mexican blankets should qualify as the 8th wonder of the world.  They are positively indestructible, never lose their color, and nobody knows exactly how or where they are made (I personally suspect Taiwan).  Oddly, the only vehicle by which one can destroy the Mexican blanket is the dryer.  The dryer eats Mexican blankets and leaves you with nothing but balls of yarn and bits of grass.
8.    Bumper sticker that reads, “Spending my children’s inheritance”. 

Well, it is the May long week-end and most of the Snowbirds should be home by now.  Although I did receive an "urgent" email from my mother yesterday; the subject line read simply "Snow!".  The contents of the email are not fit for my blog, but needless to say she was not impressed and is already looking forward to her next trip south.